Isn't Katie adorable?

Um, no. Just kill her off already. Please.

Katie is still a troll.

How cute are Nick and Brooke together?! Seriously, if Nick hadn't repeatedly married her daughter and impregnated her sister I'd say they were perfect for each other. Oh, and there's the fact that when they were married, Brooke kept throwing herself at (that pig) Ridge.

Having said that, out of Brooke's current options, I'd say they're a better couple than Brooke and Ridge, who leave me feeling nauseous. Ridge treated her like a piece of crap for years, I can't stomach him pawing her anymore. Not content with shoving her down my my throat until I dry-heaved, TPTB have decided to insert Katie into the baby Jack saga. Ugh. So, it's not enough that Taylor handed over her baby to Brooke, now Katie has to become obbsessed with the tot.
Why can't she just go and eat pistachios offscreen. Dammit, I wish she'd died in childbirth. She's fictional, I can wish death on her if I want. Then Heather Tom could reclaim her ex-role as Victoria on Y&R (man, she rocked) and we'd be free of this tedious good-girl-turned-sanctimonious-whining-strumpet. He was your niece's husband, you snivelling drip! I don't care that you once bonded over mini-hoops.

Oh, Jackie, hit her over the head with that camera. Real hard. Put us all out of our misery.

Marone Macaroni is away.

I'm off to Amsterdam (yippee!) and I'll blog again soon. I'm leaving you with a few Things That Make You Go Hmm...

What was Brooke doing with Danny DeVito's clothes?
You'd have thought they'd been married enough times for Ridge to know Brooke can do better than a frikkin' ring that looks like it came out of a Christmas cracker.
She shoots, she scores! Goal, cries Katie. But, seriously, how long does that drippy whiner think she's gonna stay with horndog Nick? She'll be out the door by Christmas.
So, the writers have been kind of dumb with this whole I'll give you my baby 'cause we're not bonding thing. Also, with the out-of-the-blue Ridge, Ridge, I've remembered you exist and I'm in love with you proclamation from Taylor, it's just been silly.

I love seeing Brooke and Taylor at the forefront, but I'm not so fond of what's happening to them. It seems like characters are just used to move along to the next plot point, so all that's being done is for some poor script writer to have to knuckle down and write scenes that show Taylor accept she can't be the best mother to Jack, and then to hand him over to Brooke.

Trying to make that dialogue believable must be a tough job. But, I'll bet you a dollar to a dime that the following was thrown about as a possibility in the head writers/exec producers meeting: Taylor makes a deal with Brooke and exchanges Jack for Ridge. Let's be grateful they didn't go there.

What the hell?! Part two.

Another what the hell moment: how many people on this show have "comfort" sex. Dear Lord, it's astonishing. Spending time with your partner's terminal aunt? Boink her, it'll make her feel better. Husband in a coma? Roll around on his bed with someone else.
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What the hell was Katie doing sitting there stitching her needlecraft with a smug look on her face.

Oh, I hate her. No, Bridget, of course I haven't seen Nick, we can barely even look at each other. So, that's why you ran right over to his house and got nekkid is it, Katie? It's not the skankyness I can't stand (I love my skanks), it's the hypocritical, sanctimonious Pity-Me Katie BS I can't stand. ________________________________________________

What the hell? I've always been a Bridget fan (yeah, shoot me). But, hell, is Ashley Jones coming into her own, or what? That girl is knocking it out of park on a daily basis at the moment. Go, Budge!
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What the hell? Ridge fell in love with Brooke the first moment he laid eyes on her? Oh, Ridgiepoo, that is horsesh!t. Remember Caroline? Remember you committed to her and didn't give Brooke a second thought? Remember after Caroline died you proclaimed Taylor was the one? Remember that, Ridge?! Apparently not. Ugh, he's a jackass.

Hi, Katie. Thrilled to hear your dying wish was to screw my husband.

Oh dear, who's that coming down the stairs?

I don't think Bridget is in the mood to feel your bump, Katie.
Bitchface #1:
Bitchface #2:
"Poor, poor pitiful me" face:

Katie: "Nick and I crossed a line we never should have crossed. "

Bridget: "When exactly did you realize that, Katie? Was it right after you had sex on the island, or was it when you came back from Catalina and you saw how concerned I was for you? Or was it at your little prom night when you danced the night away while I stayed up all night searching on a computer trying to find a way to save your life? Or was it on my wedding day that you realized, 'Oh, maybe I shouldn't have slept with her husband'? Oh, no, wait. I've got it. It's when you found out you were pregnant. That's when you realized you had crossed a line when you couldn't hide it from me anymore." Who could show up to make things worse? Nicky boy!

Budge did herself proud and took off her wedding ring. She ditched the Man-Ho. Shame she didn't give him the number for a good hairdresser.Bridget: "I was the best thing that ever happened to you. No one will ever love you like I do. But clearly, it's not enough. Here, you want him? Take him." Ha! Katiekins caught the ring and Bridget left the pair of fools standing there speechless. Like she said, he should've kept his pants on.

Katie reminisces, Bridget cracks...

Katie was hanging out with a bag of pistachios, remembering her magical connection to Nick. Let's see, there was the time she did a puzzle at his house, the time they played mini-hoops, the time he recreated her prom. Oh, and the time he sexed her up when she thought she was dying. The memories! Never mind that Captain Man-Ho was banging her niece at the time, it still gave Katiekins a cheeky little grin:
Ugh.

"That time he was chucking nuts in his gob, that was so special." Across town, on the Shady Marlin, Nick was letting his new wife know that he'd slept with her aunt.

Bridget: "So you're telling me that you had sex with Katie?"
Nick: "Yes."

I kinda figured that might piss her off.

Bridget: "Well, how the hell does her happiness involve sex? Huh? Wow, you must have felt really, really, really important giving that dying lady one last roll in the hay, huh?"

"I can't believe that I have been so naive to think that my aunt and the man that I love and am married to might actually have a little bit of respect for me."

"Do you remember what it did to me when you left me for my mother?"

"... you should have kept your pants on."

Go, Budge! Nick was just "playing a role" and why should that come between them?! He was giving Katie a bit of what she fancied before she kicked the bucket, that was all.

Ah, of course. So, Bridget shouldn't worry you ran off to boink her own mother when your first marriage fell apart? She shouldn't worry that after marrying and breaking up with her mother, you ended up chasing (then marrying) Taylor? She shouldn't worry that when you finally turned your attention back to Bridget (and she'd moved into your house) you banged her aunt? What's that you say, Nicky boy?

Nick: "Bridget... she's pregnant. She's pregnant, and it's my child." Well, that's great, isn't it Bridget?
Bridget: "Marriage is between two people, Nick, not three plus a love child with another woman."

Nick: "Don't forget about Jack, your stepson. That boy loves you."

Stepson, yes. Biological half-brother too. It's all too much!

Finally...

... someone did what I've been praying for:

Yes, Brooke slapped seven types of shit out of Katiekins, everyone's favourite sanctimonious hypocrite. Go, Brooke! Give her one from me. And twelve from Bridget.

Master of disguise, impregnate me.

Yes, the adorable, 40-year-old virgin, fan-favourite Katiekins (AKA Miss Sandy Pants as she's being called over on the official B&B board) went to the hospital to find out how her pregnancy was progressing.

We viewers were in for a real treat as the dismal whiner was joined by the baby's father, love-rat Nick. Being a millionaire, of course Nick chose to pay for an appointment at a private clinic, didn't he? Uh, no... the gruesome twosome decided to go to the hospital his wife/her niece works at. Great idea, guys! It's not bad enough that you're a pair of sanctimonious hypocrites, you are actually deranged enough to think that Bridget wouldn't recognise her own husband in this cunning disguise:

God give me strength. He wears glasses anyway, on occasion, so really all he did was wear a baseball cap. I wish Bridget had walked in and castrated him, the dirty dawg in his stupid hat.

"Hi, I've just impregnated my wife's aunt. Think you can keep it hush hush?"

What a vile pairing they are. I thought it couldn't get anymore vomit-inducing. Then they hugged.

And Katie kind of looked like she could smell a fart:

Marone Macaroni dishes: my favourite search engine queries that have led people here.

1. "IS THAT RONN MOSS'S REAL HAIR?"
Yes, it was typed in capital letters, as it should be. Seriously, who hasn't wondered that at one time or another?
2. "bold and beautiful pam's lemon bar recipe"
With that delicious arsenic aftertaste. Enjoy.
3. "email address for writers at B&B"
God, I know, who writes this stuff? And why am I addicted? I need answers.
4. "nick and katie storyline"
Really, who is searching for this? Maybe there are Kack fans out there, somewhere. Far, far away in a universe yet to be discovered.
5. "bold and the beautiful where's storm?"
Honey, he's dead.

Sickening couple declare their love.

Katie and Nick's "relationship", such as it is: first, Pity-Me Katie eats pistachios with Nick, then they burp. Gee, what a connection. They even drink some scotch. Then she gets shot, has a heart transplant (her dead brother's heart) and Nick comforts her as her condition worsens. Oh, and gives her a fake prom. Whatever.

So, I looked it up in the dictionary. Comfort = having sex on a beach with a supposedly terminal person. Now Nick's telling a pregnant (and not dying) Katiekins, "my prayer was that before you died, you'd know how I felt... I love you." But didn't he just marry her niece? Nick, didn't you say some vows or something? Keep it zipped, Man-Ho!

He says he and Katie spent "a magical moment" [puke] and shared the "deepest, most honest form of love" [puuuuuuke]. Magical? Deep? HONEST?! Honest, as in they both screwed over her niece/his bride-to-be? And then vowed to lie to Bridget about it until they find out if the baby will be okay. So, what if the baby isn't okay? Will Nick stay with Bridget and keep schtum? This is revolting...

Bridget has now had both her husbands impregnate her family members. When does she get a break?! This is wrong. Bridget sure won't think Katie's crush on Nick is "cute" when she finds out about the special kind of comfort Katie received on Catalina. That half-dead tramp.

What they might have said:

Hearing voices, seeing a ghost and being chased by a seamonster.

Yes, I did just type that.

So, we have Ridge hearing voices from beyond (Eric in his coma), Katie seeing her dead brother's ghost and then imagining him turning into a seamonster. A seamonster. A seamonster that looks like The frikkin' Joker. What. The. F^ck?

This was intercut with shots of Bridget reading ancient monk's letters (or something) about "dark" and "light" to Brooke and pondering the deeper meaning of life/love... oh, because, um, Brooke and Bridget often bond over scriptures whilst Katie imagines seamonsters are going to eat her. Typical day, yeah???????? Kay Alden (or whoever is writing this tosh), I know I congratulated you the other week, but that is no reason to celebrate with drugs. Put down the crack pipe. Stop this madness.

Anyway, lovely to see Bridget get some lovin' (shame he's old enough to be her father and has a habit of porking her mother, but whatever... in B&B terms, these days it passes for romance):

Kind of took a turn for the worse when Katie discovered she was carrying Nick's child though. Yes, she'd been porked too. By Nick. Offscreen, on Catalina, when Pity-Me Katie (Tickle Me Elmo for depressives) thought she was dying. Look at the shock on her face:

Woman has sex, gets pregnant. I thought she was smart? Maybe when she didn't die, she might have taken a pregnancy test? Yeah, I know she was ill, but that didn't stop her roll in the sand with Nick, did it? Way to go, Katie, get preggers by your niece/BFF's husband. Troll.

She told Nick. It was a very serious moment.
Then she saw her dead brother:

He beckoned her into the water. He then turned into (The Joker AKA) a seamonster and tried to catch her (or some silly sh!t), and then Katie realised she was daydreaming. God, I wish I'd been daydreaming instead of watching that. Too too weird. I only tuned in for some romance, boardroom intrigue and maybe a fashion show. NOT A FRIKKIN' SEAMONSTER!

The end result? Katie and Nick are going to lie to Bridget until the last possible moment and they consider her pregnancy "a miracle". Great, how romantic. The pair of them are sickening right now. Yeah, Nick, despite letting Bridget down again and again, it seemed like a good idea to get down to it with her aunt right before marrying Bridget, did it? Oh, Katie was dying? That's okay, then - most people shag their dying in-laws to cheer them up. Her pregnancy "has to be happening for a reason" does it? It's "meant to be," is it? My ass it is. Go on, have a hug, you pair of sickos:

Nick/Katie blah blah blah.

Their flirtation was a little lame, wasn't it? Really, who cares? They're dull together and have no chemistry as a couple. We've already had Brooke and Nick - and their chemistry was off the chart - there's no reason to pair Nick with yet another Logan, he just married one. Three in a year is a bit much (not so long ago he was making overtures to Brooke, wasn't he? Then Nicket Redux happened, with Katiekins thrown in for "fun").

But it's not fun, it's not interesting, it's not romantic... please end it! In a perfect world, Heather Tom would go back to Y&R as Victoria and Nick would somehow end up back with Brooke. Bridget could get a hot new man, and Ridge could go to... hell. Just saying.

"I'm kind of in love with him," Katie told Beth. Puh-leeeeeeease. Get a grip, he just married your niece, fool. And stop giving him stew, you bloody weirdo.

Katiekins, you need to ask Nick to give back the key to Brooke's house and then you need to concentrate on helping your mother remember recipes, or even teaching her new ones, such as the delicious Marone Macaroni (a recipe passed down from Massimo's ancesters):
Yum!

Hitched.

Who did you want to beat around the head with the wedding bouquet?

I just want to say...

Daughters marry their mother's ex-husbands. Fact.

Meddling Mother of the week:
Jackie, you really need to keep your nose out of Nick's business. All she ever seems to do these days is pimp out alternate Logan sisters for her 79 year old son.

Hot bedroom scene of the week:
Taylor and Rick! Those two were getting jiggy wi' it and showing Brooke a thing or two in the bedroom department. Taylor deserves some hot lovin' after Nick treated her like a doormat.
WTF moment of the week #1:
Donna called it like it was - WTF was Katie doing planning Budge's wedding? Which leads to...

Wedding planner of the week:
Katiekins. J.Lo's got nothing on her. How quick did she sort that out? Not so half-dead anymore, is she? And then she was deputised as a Justice of the Peace? She's a Jack of all trades, old Katiekins.

WTF moment of the week #2:
Oh my gosh, thought Donna, I just threw a frisbee over in the bushes and when I went to fetch it I discovered a hot guy in the undergrowth. I'll invite him to the party. Like, ohmigod, awesome!

WTF moment of the week #3:
Why is Beth so calm about another of her daughters marrying her ex?! Surely she'd be a bit more what is wrong with you crazy bitches?

Bizarre scene with a half-naked man smoking a cigar of the week:
Nick. No further comments.

Back-tracker of the week:
Brooke: "I just want to see you happy."
Yeah, Brooke, like when you jumped straight into bed with Nick after Bridget lost her baby? Or, like the time you banged (and banged AND BANGED) her first husband? I love Brooke the most, but what a hypocrite. Mother of the Year, fersure!

Skank of the week:
Donna encouraging Katie to snag Nick for herself. Nice way to treat your niece, Donna. Frikkin' trampy ho-bag.

Schizo of the week:
Pam, the lovable loony, organising miniature hot tamales for Bridget and Nick's engagement party. "You are what you eat!"

Interruption of the week:
Katie: "I can't, um - (sniffles) this is wrong. I-I-it's not right. It - you all seem to think you know how I feel about these two, but I don't think I really knew until I was standing up here in front of them, watching them commit their lives to each other. There's something I need to say. This wedding can't go on until you know how I really feel."
Bitch, put a sock in it - now is not the time.

What could possibly go wrong?