Is Lieutenant Baker a comedy genius?

It was a kind of serious discussion pertaining to an attempted homicide, but Lieutenant Baker punctuated it in his own special way.

Charlie: Pops, we have a confession. A confession.
Lt. Baker: Yeah, it could be a confession. It could be something else.
Charlie: Like what?
Lt. Baker: A cover-up. [Close up of a pained Lt. Baker crushing a coke can with one hand. He's so tough.]

Soooooooo strong.

Moments before he'd just prepared himself a hawt dawg from his "Perfect Hotdog" machine, conveniently located in his office. I kid you not. Reminds me of the time he was investigating "Who Shot Stephanie?" and declared, "it smells like MOY-duh*!" before shoving a hot dog in his mouth.

* = murder

Ashley's outta here...

You've probably read that Eileen Davidson has been put on recurring status, plus she's already gone from the opening credits. Now, Daytime Confidential has confirmed that her character Ashley Abbott is leaving LA and is heading back to her old home, Genoa City, to be Young(ish) and Restless once more...

I'll miss her, but it's a move for the best. Ashley's history on Y&R throws open lots of possibilities for future plots. Fingers crossed we'll see Eileen in a front-burner storyline soon, even if it's not on B&B.

Master of disguise, impregnate me.

Yes, the adorable, 40-year-old virgin, fan-favourite Katiekins (AKA Miss Sandy Pants as she's being called over on the official B&B board) went to the hospital to find out how her pregnancy was progressing.

We viewers were in for a real treat as the dismal whiner was joined by the baby's father, love-rat Nick. Being a millionaire, of course Nick chose to pay for an appointment at a private clinic, didn't he? Uh, no... the gruesome twosome decided to go to the hospital his wife/her niece works at. Great idea, guys! It's not bad enough that you're a pair of sanctimonious hypocrites, you are actually deranged enough to think that Bridget wouldn't recognise her own husband in this cunning disguise:

God give me strength. He wears glasses anyway, on occasion, so really all he did was wear a baseball cap. I wish Bridget had walked in and castrated him, the dirty dawg in his stupid hat.

"Hi, I've just impregnated my wife's aunt. Think you can keep it hush hush?"

What a vile pairing they are. I thought it couldn't get anymore vomit-inducing. Then they hugged.

And Katie kind of looked like she could smell a fart:

It was Owen!

Or was it?! Owen 'fessed up:

Brooke was blindsided. Donna felt shocked and betrayed. Lieutenant Baker was daydreaming about hot dogs:

Despite his confession, we pretty much know that Owen didn't poison Eric - he only said that to protect Donna, who he wants to be with. You know, in a special way. So, who did poison Honeybear? In a delightfully campy montage, we were presented with the suspects. My money's on that crazy fruitloop Pam:

1. Jackie: No! She had a thang for Eric. Unless she's suddenly gone postal, it seems ludicrous that she'd poison the old goat.

2. Beth: I don't think so. Yes, Eric's been a Man-Ho bedding two of her daughters, but Beth doesn't appear to get too upset about any of it. Hell, she barely batted an eyelid when her daughter told Beth she was pregnant with Beth's granddaughter's husband's baby.

3. Brooke: puh-lease. No way.

4. Ridge: Um, no.

5. Stephanie: Come off it. No matter what he's done, she wouldn't try to kill her ex.

6. Donna: Not even Donna's dumb enough to leave potassium in her pant drawer. It was a set up!

7. Stephen: Okay, maybe. He did look awfully pissed off reminiscing about Eric's shenanigans with his ex-wife and daughters. It's possible he finally cracked...

8. Marcus: Possibly, if he's not actually Donna's son. It could all be a scam to get his mitts on the readies. I doubt it though.

9. Owen: He's protecting Donna, c'mon, it ain't him.

10. Felicia: This is the woman who cried when "daddy" broke up his dysfunctional marriage to Stephanie. She has too much invested in trying to reunite her parents. I could buy her going for Donna, but not daddy.

11. Pam: Not sure of the motive, but I can see the teabag gobbling loon being the culprit. She's off her meds, I swear.

Old bat kicks ass.

Stephanie: "Well, I'll tell you what I think, Marcus. I think your mother and Owen are in it together. I think you, Missy, are in this with him up to your ears."

Stephanie was back and she was fierce, hurling accusations at Donna and jabbing her finger in the air. Now that's the Stephanie I love to watch, even if she is a nasty old mare. I just hope she has the same fire and rubs Katie's nose in the dirt when she finds out about her near-dead romp on Catalina.

Check out my new B&B column over at DCO.

If you enjoy my blog, take a look at my new B&B column over at the always entertaining Dear Captain Obvious.

I'm also posting on the official B&B site (click on "Blog" - my name's "Darren" rather than "Marone"), in the very good company of Ashley Jones!

Lesli Kay and Ashley Jones: Daytime for Obama.

As part of a new campaign promoting Barrak Obama for President (and Andrew Christian underwear), Lesli Kay and Ashley Jones joined three other stars of daytime to strip down to their smalls.

Thanks to one of the soap world's best resources, Daytime Confidential, for the scoop. More pictures, and interviews with the soap star models, are here on Michael Fairman's website.

Marone Macaroni dishes: my favourite search engine queries that have led people here.

1. "IS THAT RONN MOSS'S REAL HAIR?"
Yes, it was typed in capital letters, as it should be. Seriously, who hasn't wondered that at one time or another?
2. "bold and beautiful pam's lemon bar recipe"
With that delicious arsenic aftertaste. Enjoy.
3. "email address for writers at B&B"
God, I know, who writes this stuff? And why am I addicted? I need answers.
4. "nick and katie storyline"
Really, who is searching for this? Maybe there are Kack fans out there, somewhere. Far, far away in a universe yet to be discovered.
5. "bold and the beautiful where's storm?"
Honey, he's dead.

Sickening couple declare their love.

Katie and Nick's "relationship", such as it is: first, Pity-Me Katie eats pistachios with Nick, then they burp. Gee, what a connection. They even drink some scotch. Then she gets shot, has a heart transplant (her dead brother's heart) and Nick comforts her as her condition worsens. Oh, and gives her a fake prom. Whatever.

So, I looked it up in the dictionary. Comfort = having sex on a beach with a supposedly terminal person. Now Nick's telling a pregnant (and not dying) Katiekins, "my prayer was that before you died, you'd know how I felt... I love you." But didn't he just marry her niece? Nick, didn't you say some vows or something? Keep it zipped, Man-Ho!

He says he and Katie spent "a magical moment" [puke] and shared the "deepest, most honest form of love" [puuuuuuke]. Magical? Deep? HONEST?! Honest, as in they both screwed over her niece/his bride-to-be? And then vowed to lie to Bridget about it until they find out if the baby will be okay. So, what if the baby isn't okay? Will Nick stay with Bridget and keep schtum? This is revolting...

Bridget has now had both her husbands impregnate her family members. When does she get a break?! This is wrong. Bridget sure won't think Katie's crush on Nick is "cute" when she finds out about the special kind of comfort Katie received on Catalina. That half-dead tramp.

Brandon Beemer and Lesli Kay on the town.

Brandon Beemer (with actress girlfriend Nadia Bjorlin) and Lesli Kay at the launch of the Carmen Steffens 2008 Fall/Winter Collection (August 11th, 2008).
Owen needs to get over his Donna obsession and give Felicia a booty call ASAP. They look great together. Oh, and he looks great with his real life girlfriend too:
Felicia makes her exit from Forrester Creations (after being sacked by "that bimbo bitch" Donna) with a bag chock full of FC fabric, BeLieF formula and stationery. Caught red handed:

What they might have said:

Kyle Lowder's celeb basketball tour.

Just imagine you're aiming it at Nick Marone's head, Rick:

Kyle Lowder attending CitySpot Hollywood V.I.P. party as part of the Hollywood Knights Norway Tour (August 15th, 2008 in Bergen, Norway).

Actor Stephen Colletti (L), director Jon Chu, music recording artist Aaron Carter, actors Adrian R'Mante, Paula Trickey, Josh Henderson, Denyce Lawton, Kyle Lowder, American Idol Blake Lewis, model Marcus Schenckenberg, actresses Andrea Bowen, Joy Lauren, American Idol Chris Richardson and actor Wesley Johnson participate in the 'Team Press Conference' as part of the Hollywood Knights Norway Tour on August 14th, 2008 in Bergen, Norway.

Official site: http://www.hollywoodknights.com/newsite/index.php

Ronn Moss engaged.

Ronn Moss and Devin DeVasquez recently announced their engagement. The happy couple:Official Ronn Moss MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/ronnmoss (you may want to turn the volumn down before clicking through... joking!)

Hearing voices, seeing a ghost and being chased by a seamonster.

Yes, I did just type that.

So, we have Ridge hearing voices from beyond (Eric in his coma), Katie seeing her dead brother's ghost and then imagining him turning into a seamonster. A seamonster. A seamonster that looks like The frikkin' Joker. What. The. F^ck?

This was intercut with shots of Bridget reading ancient monk's letters (or something) about "dark" and "light" to Brooke and pondering the deeper meaning of life/love... oh, because, um, Brooke and Bridget often bond over scriptures whilst Katie imagines seamonsters are going to eat her. Typical day, yeah???????? Kay Alden (or whoever is writing this tosh), I know I congratulated you the other week, but that is no reason to celebrate with drugs. Put down the crack pipe. Stop this madness.

Anyway, lovely to see Bridget get some lovin' (shame he's old enough to be her father and has a habit of porking her mother, but whatever... in B&B terms, these days it passes for romance):

Kind of took a turn for the worse when Katie discovered she was carrying Nick's child though. Yes, she'd been porked too. By Nick. Offscreen, on Catalina, when Pity-Me Katie (Tickle Me Elmo for depressives) thought she was dying. Look at the shock on her face:

Woman has sex, gets pregnant. I thought she was smart? Maybe when she didn't die, she might have taken a pregnancy test? Yeah, I know she was ill, but that didn't stop her roll in the sand with Nick, did it? Way to go, Katie, get preggers by your niece/BFF's husband. Troll.

She told Nick. It was a very serious moment.
Then she saw her dead brother:

He beckoned her into the water. He then turned into (The Joker AKA) a seamonster and tried to catch her (or some silly sh!t), and then Katie realised she was daydreaming. God, I wish I'd been daydreaming instead of watching that. Too too weird. I only tuned in for some romance, boardroom intrigue and maybe a fashion show. NOT A FRIKKIN' SEAMONSTER!

The end result? Katie and Nick are going to lie to Bridget until the last possible moment and they consider her pregnancy "a miracle". Great, how romantic. The pair of them are sickening right now. Yeah, Nick, despite letting Bridget down again and again, it seemed like a good idea to get down to it with her aunt right before marrying Bridget, did it? Oh, Katie was dying? That's okay, then - most people shag their dying in-laws to cheer them up. Her pregnancy "has to be happening for a reason" does it? It's "meant to be," is it? My ass it is. Go on, have a hug, you pair of sickos:

Tarzan did okay.

Much as I despise Ridge and cannot bear to watch his and Brooke's non-stop shagathon, when he actually got round to putting his clothes on I didn't mind him. Okay, I minded him being his usual smug-ass self in the boardroom, but when he broke down at Eric's bedside he wasn't all that bad: no jazz hands, no steeple hands... my goodness, has Ronn been taking acting lessons?! I still maintain they should make him a real villain type character - it suits his warped sense of self-entitlement and incredidble pomposity. But darn, he was not bad.

What's g-Owen on?

Apologies for the bad pun. But, seriously, what is going on with Owen? He's snogging Donna:

She's taken aback:And then it looks like he might have poisoned Eric. He bought Eric some gin, Eric drank the gin and collapsed, Owen poured the gin down the sink to stop Donna drinking any. Please, don't let this be as simple as it seems... I'm thinking there's something else going on with Owen, and he's not just a typical villain. Make it so! He needs to stick around and steam up the screen with Felicia and Bridget (when she escapes from the increasingly icky Nicky).

Academy of Television Arts & Sciences Emmy's 60th Year - A Tribute to Betty White.

John McCook and the Betty White at the Betty White tribute, held at the Leonard H. Goldenson Theatre (Hollywood!) on August 7, 2008.

The lovely Ashley Jones at the Betty White tribute.

Better than Katie's doily dress.

Heather Tom arriving at a special screening of 'Hell Ride' at the Egyptian Theater (Hollywood!) on July 31, 2008.

When doesn't KKL look stunning?

Katherine Kelly Lang supporting The David Lynch Foundation at the Key Club (Hollywood!) on July 16, 2008.

Marone Macaroni is back...

.,.. but, I'm still catching up on episodes and picking my jaw up off the ground (Nick porked Katiekins off-screen... gross). I'll post soon... in the meantime, here are a few recent snaps of the cast out and about. Oh, they're so glamorous!