"Marcus is Donna's son."

So, what did Phoebe do when she overheard (the nosey wench!) that Marcus was Donna’s son? She went running to daddy, which in turn led to the bratty Forrester siblings plotting to reveal all to Eric. Ridge was smug as ever: "oh, trust me, there will be a shipment to Texas today. Maybe two of 'em." Lord above, could he be any more of a pompous slimeball?!

Ridge, Felicia and Thorne met up to throw their toys out of the pram together. At least Thorne had a point about "his experience with Donna." Remember when she was in bed with a drunken Thorne, all the while looking at a photo of Stephanie and vowing revenge?! That was almost as scary as watching her crawl across the floor on all fours (dressed as a cat) purring for Eric. The thought of that still makes me shudder.

An awards show B&B can clean up at.

Following last week's prestigious awards ceremony here at Taylor - you're alive! I thought I'd roll out the red carpet again and hand over a few more gongs. Without further delay, here are this week's winners...

Snark of the week: Felicia! The evidence:
Thorne: "Behind every great design..."
Felicia: "Is a home-wrecking slut with zero talent in the fashion business."
Ouch. Felicia really is Stephanie’s daughter. What a bitch. Remember that Donna is your step-momma now, Felicia.

Snark of the week #2: Lil' Miss Steffy:
Steffy: "What are you doing down here in shipping?"
Phoebe: "Were you expecting Marcus?"
Steffy: "Careful. Somebody might pack you up and ship you."

Understatement of the week:
Katie telling Nick he "should focus on Bridget." Gee, you think, Katie? Shut up and move out already.

Backbone of the week:
Steffy quite rightly saying, "giving a baby up for adoption is neither a scandal or a crime."

Surprisingly sweet moment of the week:
Eric was actually kind of sweet when he was talking to Donna and Marcus, he wasn’t swayed by his bratty kiddies. Bratty kiddies, that is, who are all over 40 (and doesn’t Lesli Kay look fantastic for it?).

Upfront (so to speak) Logan of the week:
I'm so, so glad that Donna brought up her marriage to Eric as soon as she was alone with Ma Logan. But, would Donna's idea of having a "family get-together" at her and Eric’s house be a good way to reconnect? Wouldn't it remind Beth that two of her daughters have married her ex?! Maybe they can get out the wedding albums and reminisce. Remember that time I hooked up with Eric, mom? I married him a few times, you know. Then Donna did. Oh, mom, if only you’d been here when I got pregnant by my daughter’s husband. Mom, you’d-a been proud!

Administrator of the week:
Marcus, for impressing Eric with his "revised system". Go, admin boy, go! Log those shipments and blow old Honey Bear’s mind.

Shocker of the week:
Beth: "Your mother doesn't exist. She's gone… I've had a stroke, a series of them. My memories are slipping away. They think it might be the onset of dementia."
Woah, I didn’t see that one coming at all. Where is this headed? I’m intrigued.

"Bridget is in the picture, mother. It's a good thing. Because if it weren't for her, Katie wouldn't be around."

Guess what? Oh, you guessed it - Katie confessed she loves Nick. Maybe TPTB thought the Katie/Nick love montages (when he's supposed to be with Bridget) didn't drive the message home for viewers.

Katie (poor, poor just escaped death twice Katie) has a conscience (because that'll make us like her after shoving her down our throats for weeks on end?!). She "would never forgive herself" if she ever hurt Bridget. Yeah, yeah Katie, so "someone would end up getting hurt" if she pursued Nick? Then why doesn't she shut the f^ck up about it? Really, why? Oh, because she has to tell Nick she's "never felt like this before." Yeah, that's gonna turn him off. Did Storm shoot her brains out as well as her heart?! If she actually felt what she was saying, she wouldn't be laying all this crap on Nick, would she? I'm in love with you and no-one has ever made me feel like this, but I don't want to hurt Bridget. My ass you don't - you tongued him! Shut up, half-dead zombie tramp. And move out already.

Nick did say "we have a very passionate relationship" about Bridget. And let's face it, we fans have been watching Bridget and her (mostly toxic) relationships onscreen for years and years. Why should I be expected to jump on the Katie Fan Train now she's flavour of the month at B&B headquarters. It doesn't work like that. A big part of being a soap addict is loving the history elements that are woven into stories. When a newbie (the character had been off canvas for eons, and now she's being played by a different actress) like Katie is suddenly front and centre day-in, day-out, it pisses over everything we have been invested and interested in. What's happened to Nick's obsession over becoming a father and raising his boy? Taylor seems to have completely slipped his mind as well. His Brooke-worship has gone. And we're supposed to believe he gives two shits about Budge. With the Katie Show in full swing, every other Nick relationship is brushed under the carpet, and it's all about Katie. Urgh, it's like the days of old on B&B when every woman in L.A. fell at the feet of Ridge. And wasn't he such an adorable jerk?

As the title of this post suggests, Nick did acknowledge that Budge was "in the picture," but it was a back-handed compliment, pretty much stating thank God Bridget saved Katie, rather than I'm in love with Bridget. If he's not, he should just say it. Nick is starting to come off as delusional - one moment he was determined to father a child, any child, and then he was dementedly trying-out mothers for Jack, and now apparently he's obsessed with Katie, and can't stop daydreaming about that time they ate pistachio nuts or when he recreated her prom. Whatever. And just to endear him a little more to the audience, he's chasing after Katie's M.I.A. mother, Beth, because he's Katie's hero blah blah blah. Such a knight in shining armour that he'll screw Bridget over (again). If this madness doesn't stop I will end up detesting Nick and Katie completely, not just their stupid showmance.

It being awards week, I thought B&B deserved a few...

Devious troll of the week:
Felicia, for rifling through Marcus's bag. And where does she get off bitching about Donna constantly when Felicia herself shows up at work dressed like a streetwalker?!

Sanctimonious Forrester of the week:
Steffy. Damn, I was liking her too. She had to go and say, "I know for a fact [Donna]'s bad for the company." Honey, you don't know shit. Especially when you refer to your twin Feeble Phoebe as "the pretty one." Puh-lease. Buy a mirror. Then get off your high horse when it comes to Donna. Did you not see your Poppa parading her around on TV when it suited him. He didn't mind her lap dancing, uh... modelling, before. And I guess that makes Ridge the runner up in this category.

Set of the week:
Well, it's not the new Forrester gym. I was enjoying the new set till I had the "thrill" of watching Ridge and Brooke snog. Then I had to run to the loo to throw up. This week's winner: The Bikini Bar, last seen during Thorne's mercifully brief drinking phase.

Logan return of the week:
Beth! Does she have a secret? Why the hell didn't she show up before? Hmm, I'm intrigued. Runner up: Stephen; now that was a nice surprise. And in Paris, no less. Lucky Brooke wasn't there to fall off the Eiffel Tower again.

Hair don't.

The windswept Captain Payne clearly needs stronger hairspray.

Budge at the Emmys.

Lesli Kay rocks the red carpet.

Give this woman a storyline!

Heather Tom at the Daytime Emmys.

Quick change:
B&B's only acting nomination (Heather Tom for Best Supporting Actress) didn't take home the trophy. Here's hoping Katherine Kelly Lang is nominated (and wins) next year - it's about time.

Heather Tom and Jack Wagner at the Daytime Emmys.

They're cute, but not cute together. Don't they look more like father and daughter? Plus, his jacket is fugly.

What might have happened (but really didn't):

Oh my God! How surprising!

Katie made it. Well, colour me shocked. That was the most bleedin' obvious she's-about-to-die-but-look-there's-a-chance-she-just-might-survive storyline ever. Yuck. Now I can look forward to Nick treating Bridget like crap (again) and Nick and Katie "bonding" some more. Oh, and FYI writers - when you've just shoved them down our throats for the last month, I do not need a love montage set to music to remind me.

Back to business.

It was cool seeing another meeting at Forrester - this soap can do the business side of soapy drama very well. I'm not easily bored when it comes to the takeovers and new lines at Forrester Creations, and this new storyline with Eric's kids backstabbing him is fun to watch. The Forresters are acting true to form. Even though she's a snotty little brat, I love seeing Felicia (and to some extent Thorne and Ridge) getting bitchy in the boardroom. Man, those Forresters have a nauseating sense of self-entitlement.

Budge is just too nice.

Okay, Budge's scenes with the Undead One (Katie) were great, but give the girl more. I'm hoping the hunky new doctor, played by DOOL'S Brandon Beemer, is going to hook up with Bridget. I'm sick of watching her get walked over.

And she shouldn't want to give a sponge bath to her dying aunt (who's just been snogging her boyfriend).

And she shouldn't be saying (to Nick), "I'm through being worried and vulnerable. I love you."

It just looks like Nick is taking her for a fool (again). I'm crossing my fingers Ashley Jones gets a storyline that sees Bridget get what she deserves (and plenty of meaty material - be it romance or crazy drama) sometime soon.

Shut up about your stupid effing prom.

Seriously, Katie, you're about to drop dead. Heather Tom (who I love and adore and kicked butt as Victoria over on Y&R) went from being under-utilised, to being force-fed to viewers every day. It's too much!

The Undead One.

God, it's just so forced. Much as we - soap fans - cry out for backstory and understanding of where the characters are coming from, when all we see onscreen is Katie Katie and more Katie, then it becomes quite dull. Really, it does. TPTB have succeeded in making me pissed off when I see Jack Wagner and Heather Tom onscreen. No mean feat, as I think both are hugely talented actors.

Susan Flannery rocks. You know it's true.

From Stephanie's scenes bonding with Katie, to Stephers calling out Nick over his relationship with Katie, La Flannery always brings it. How can one woman be so watchable? She asked Nick what most of us have been thinking: "so, besides Bridget, how many of the women in the family do you plan on sleeping with?"

Overkill.

This is all a bit much.

Sure, Katie's "dying", but Budge is upstairs (almost in mourning) and Nick is getting ready to stick his tongue in Katie's mouth?! Urgh. I have years invested in Bridget's emotions, don't frikkin' use her as a sacrificial lamb again and again for the benefit of other characters.

Ashley Jones is a versatile, subtle and emotional actress; I think she has what it takes to be the next generation's Katherine Kelly Lang (Brooke). Honestly, I think TPTB just need to write for her and they will be onto a winner. We - the viewers - have a long relationship with her, we'd love to see her go ape-shit (she has good reason to do so) or go schizo... anything, just give her the material to work with. Please.

Blondes have more fun.

Night of the Living Dead.

So, your sister was devastated at her prom? Why not wait till she’s at death’s door (and easily traumatised) to recreate it for her?! Is it just me, or does this seem like a really stoopid idea?

Dougie Forrester, M.D.

Was Bridget really looking up cures for terminal Katie on the internet?! She's a trained doctor, shouldn't she be consulting colleagues (not buying aromatherapy off eBay)?

Marcus gets a job.

Wasn't that the worst job interview ever? Ever ever ever? He admitted to not knowing what job he wanted, barely said a word and let secret-momma-Donna do some of the talking for him. Man, if the job interviews I've been to were as easy as that I'd be a lot more successful in my career. Does anyone have the number for Human Resources over at Forrester Creations?

The Katie Show.

I love Heather Tom and Jack Wagner as actors, but this Katie storyline is being shoved down our throats ad nauseum. I like them together, I do, but as I've said (probably ad nauseum as well), screwing Bridget over when they eventually "realise their feelings for each other" is going to piss me off. Plus, Nick and Katie don't have the hot hot hot chemistry of Nick and Brooke. Maybe that's cause she's dying.

Identical twins looking rather dissimilar.

I'm going to forgive TPTB for bringing back Steffy as an identical twin who looks nothing like her twin anymore. This new actress rocks, plus she looks like her on-screen parents. Mackenzie Mauzy (Phoebe) playing dual roles would've made me retch, so I thank them for sparing us that.

Signs so far are pointing to Steffie being a snotty little madam, sneering about Brooke chasing Ridge "since dinosaurs roamed the earth." Even better was her assessment of their relationship: "you can tell she's sincere by the way she keeps marrying everybody else in the family." Ouch!

Then she told Taylor to "walk on the wild side" as far as Rick is concerned. Yay - a bolshy heiress with an attitude! Did she even say she wants to start at the bottom working at Forrester?

She's way more interesting than Phoebe and her dumbass whining. I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about last summer's interminable Boldface Challenge "sing off" storyline and (please never let him come back) Constantine. Ugh - that hair! Those stares! His all-around creepiness! If this is the new teen scene, it should be a helluva lot better than last year's shambles of a youth-oriented storyline. Oh, and Marcus asking Steffy, "do their birth certificates actually say 'Thorne' and 'Ridge'?" Those two had some good banter. Maybe I can stomach watching the young 'uns this summer and won't have to resort to beating the television with my Sheila Carter photo album.

"I don't think anyone can make her happier than Nick."

Budge may be right, but way to pimp out your own boyfriend, Bridget. Poor, half-dead auntie Katie is going to steal him away. Stop shoving them off on romantic picnics together, you silly girl. No-one stays terminal for long - just ask Felicia or ol' Nine Lives, Taylor.

What they might have said:

Heart being rejected.

And not in the usual soap fashion - I'm talking about Katie's heart transplant.

Bridget's prognosis? "A few weeks. Maybe less." Ta ta, Katiekins! Sorry to be blasé.

Actually, when Katie asked, "am I gonna die?" now, that was pretty poignant. I just don't think most viewers actually expect Katie to die. There's no tension. After Storm's powerful exit and the aftermath, this all seems a little tame.

Oh, and EEEEEWWWWW, I almost thought Bridget was going to ask Nick to give (on-the-brink-of-death) Katie some hot lovin'. He is however going to "help her enjoy this time as much as [he] can." I don't think I need two guesses to figure out where that will end up.

"It's not like I'm going to drop dead on the living room floor."

You sure about that, Katie? From where I'm sitting, things ain't looking too peachy.

The prize for this decade's most consistently screwed over character goes to...

... Budge, who is getting shafted yet again. Much as I like the Katie/Nick dynamic, it's a frikkin' joke to watch Bridget get walked over every time she enters a relationship. Boo!

Stephanie and Katie are building an interesting relationship, made much more so by two daytime heavyweights. Thank goodness the Stephmonster is expressing her worries about Bridget getting hurt again. Nobody else seems to give two hoots.

The Spawn of Eric AKA Honeybear.

Didn't Eric have a vasectomy years ago? Didn't one whole storyline with Sheila* - who was pretending to be pregnant with Eric's baby - hinge on the fact that he hadn't told her he'd had the snip? Why has he forgotten? Does he have Alzheimer's? Do the writers?

* = the glorious psycho bitch who only wanted to be loved.

Because they're worth it.

Are Jackie and Nick taking pictures of Heather Locklear* to their hair salon and saying, "I want to look like her"? How else did they both end up with such fugly peroxide monstrosities?!

* = I love Heather Locklear, and she (hair included) looks amazing, but it is not a becoming look for the Marone family. I was hoping Massimo would make a return, but if he follows suit it could push me over the edge.

Happy Birthday! Try not to drop dead.

Hmm, Heather Tom just signed a well-publicised long-term contract. Her character, Katie, is at death's door. The transplant ain't taking! Gee, you think maybe she'll survive? There's no tension, she's blatantly not going anywhere. Factor in the months of set-up with Nick... if she dies I'll eat my own spleen.

"This whole family sounds very messed up to me."

So true, Marcus. So true.

On a related note, Felicia needs to stop calling Eric "daddy". C'mon, lady, you gotta be 35.